Kuwabara as Everyman
by RestlessRenegade
Summary: Kuwabara and his various anime friends reenact the old morality play, Everyman, about a man who must face his death. Yours truly narrates. SCRIPT FORMAT.


Written: November 2007

This fic wasn't inspired by a song, but by a play that I read in my humanities class. It's called Everyman: A Morality Play, and as far as I know there isn't an official author; it was a song played by many minstrels back in the day (which was a Wednesday, by the way.) At any rate, I had fun changing it around and assigning anime characters to various roles. Beware the script format-this IS a play!

**Kuwabara as Everyman: A Morality Play**

Welcome to SereneShadow presents Kuwabara as Everyman! We hope you enjoy the show.

_SereneShadow is not liable in the event of any twisted intestines or sudden cardiac arrests. She takes no responsibilities for any actions committed against or in favor of this story. She wants to make sure you read the rating, as this language is rather harsh—suffice to say, the "F" bomb is dropped several times—so get out you pre-teens. She owns neither the original plot nor the characters used here, except herself, the narrator. She would like me, the quick-speaking legal dude, to mention that the original play does not have a narrator, nor an official author. She claims the rights to none of the characters but herself. SereneShadow the narrator you may not steal. Also, she would like me to mention that she apologizes for the script format, but this IS a play. And basically, the whole thing is one big fat paraphrase. So she's not going to lie and say she made it up. Because she just paraphrased it. How lazy. Any resemblance to people dead or alive is purely coincidental. Please do not throw the sheep._

**SereneShadow (Narrator): **This is the story all about how my life got twist-turned upside down and I'd like to take a minute . . . but seriously. This is a tale about how God sent Death to make everyone fess up. And that's a paraphrase.

**Jaken (the Messenger):** Okay, everyone, listen! The real story is The Summoning of Everyman. And it is about Death.

**SereneShadow:** WRONG. It's not about Death. He doesn't even have that big a part.

**Jaken**: Ahem. It's about change, then. Everything will leave you in the end. Listen to the play, or die.

**Keiko **(**God**): What the hell? Everyone hates me. All they care about is their freaking money and stuff. I died on the cross and they don't give a damn! And it's just getting worse. All I have to say is, _what the f—_erm . . . freak? Death, get your ass over here!

**Hiei **(**Death**): What?

**Keiko**: Go to Kuwabara and tell him he has to do this crap and not screw around beforehand.

**Hiei**: I'll make him suffer. Hey, you.

**Kuwabara **(**Everyman**): What?

**Hiei**: Keiko told me to get you.

**Kuwabara**: What does she want?

**Hiei**: For me to tell you what you have to do.

**Kuwabara**: Spit it out, then, shorty!

**Hiei**: You're going to die.

**Kuwabara**: Oh really? By the way, who the hell are you?

**Hiei**: I'm Death, dumbass.

**Kuwabara**: Holy hotdogs! Well . . . uh . . . if I give you some money, will you go away?

**Hiei**: Fuck no. If I took bribes from everyone, I'd be rich.

**Kuwabara**: Well, you sure as shooting didn't give me any warning. You're making me sick, here. Could you _please_ come back . . . you know, later?

**Hiei**: Everyone has to die sometime.

**Kuwabara**: Fine. Can I at least come home again?

**Hiei**: No. Moron.

**Kuwabara**: Keiko, have mercy!

**Hiei**: Shut up.

**Kuwabara**: And I have to go alone? Oh, wait, there's Fellowship.

**Jin**, **Touya**, **and Chu **(**the Fellowship**): Hey! What's up, dude? What's wrong? Can we help?

**Kuwabara**: I'm in trouble, guys.

**Jin, Touya, and Chu: **Well, what's wrong?

**Kuwabara**: Okay, I'll tell you, but if you reject me, I'm gonna be pissed.

**Jin, Touya, and Chu**: Don't worry, man, we're here for you.

**Kuwabara**: All right. Hiei here says I have to die. And I want you to come with me.

**Jin, Touya, and Chu**: Um . . . well . . .

**Kuwabara**: You said you'd be here for me!

**Jin, Touya, and Chu**: . . . When would we get back?

**Hiei**: What are you all, fucktards?

**SereneShadow**: And he left out of pure frustration.

**Kuwabara**: Never! We would never come back.

**Jin, Touya, and Chu**: Hell no, then!

**Kuwabara**: You said you'd be here for me, jackasses.

**Jin, Touya, and Chu**: Well . . . we meant while we're partying. You know, chowing down, drinking beer, chasing hot chicks.

**Kuwabara**: What kind of men are you? Sure, you'd be there for me when I need a designated driver! Screw you guys.

**Jin, Touya, and Chu**: Hey, now, we're sorry, but this is kind of a big deal.

**Kuwabara**: Are you really gonna leave me?

**Jin, Touya, and Chu**: Uh . . . yeah. See ya.

**Kuwabara**: Fine. I guess I'll never see you again, then.

**Jin, Touya, and Chu**: Probably not. 'Bye.

**SereneShadow**: And they took off running.

**Kuwabara**: Dammit! Who else can help me? Family, yeah. They have to. Hey! Guys!

**Shizuru **(**Kindred**): 'Sup?

**Genkai **(**Cousin**): Hello, Kuwabara. We're you're family, and we'll go anywhere with you.

**Shizuru**: Through good times _and_ bad.

**Kuwabara**: Good, because Hiei says I'm going to die. And I want you to come with me.

**Genkai**: Well, I haven't eaten in a while . . .

**Kuwabara**: I'll wish I had never been born if you don't come!

**Shizuru**: I wish you had never been born . . . anyway, chin up! Don't worry about it! But . . . I can't come either.

**Kuwabara**: Genkai?

**Genkai**: Sorry, I have a cramp in my toe.

**Shizuru**: I can send someone in my place! You can take my boyfriend with you.

**Kuwabara**: No way. Are you coming or staying?

**Shizuru**: See you.

**SereneShadow**: And she ran off too.

**Kuwabara**: How can I be happy when everyone keeps _lying_ to me?

**Genkai**: Yeah, sorry, I'm not coming either.

**SereneShadow**: She was gone in a flash.

**Kuwabara**: Aw, tomatoes! Everyone sucks ass. But, I have a lot of money. So maybe I can get some help there. Goods?

**Kagome **(**Goods**): What do you want?

**Kuwabara**: I need your help.

**Kagome**: Okay, what do you need?

**Kuwabara**: Well, Hiei says I'm going to die. I want you to come with me, because money fixes everything, right?

**Kagome**: Uh, yeah, no. No way in hell am I dying with you.

**Kuwabara**: Please? You know all I ever wanted was you.

**SereneShadow**: He made a kissy face.

**Kagome**: Screw you!

**Kuwabara**: You tricked me!

**Kagome**: Not really! You tricked yourself.

**Kuwabara**: Are you sure you won't come?

**Kagome**: No. Have a nice day.

**SereneShadow**: And the slut ran home.

**Kuwabara**: Well what the hell am I gonna do now? . . . Hey, I've done some good things, right? Good Deeds. Where are you, Good Deeds?

**Yukina **(**Good Deeds**): Hi, Kuwabara. I'm right here, but I'm buried in the ground. Please get me out!

**Kuwabara**: Well while you're there, could I ask you a favor?

**Yukina**: I know, you need me to go with you to die. And I will, but I can't unless I get out of the ground. However, my . . . _sister_, Kurama, can help us.

**SereneShadow**: Must be a translation error. Anyway, Kurama shows up.

**Kurama **(**Knowledge**): I'll help, Kuwabara.

**Kuwabara**: Oh, thank you sweet Keiko.

**Yukina**: Let's go pray to Keiko.

**Kuwabara**: Good idea!

**Kurama**: Let's go to Confession, the . . . river?

**SereneShadow**: Yeah. The river.

**Kuwabara**: Okay, well, where is he?

**Kurama**: In the church of Keiko.

**Kuwabara**: A river. In the church. Fascinating.

**SereneShadow**: So Kurama took Kuwabara to Keiko's Church, where Inuyasha the river was.

**Kuwabara**: Help me?

**Inuyasha **(**Confession**): I'll help you. Just remember, Keiko's God, and Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

**Keiko**: Ahem!

**Inuyasha**: Never mind. Your sins are forgiven.

**Kuwabara**: Thank you!

**Kurama**: Say a prayer now.

**Kuwabara**: Keiko, you are wonderful!

**Kurama**: Good luck.

**Kuwabara**: Keiko, take my body to make up for my mistakes. "Scourges himself . . . "?

**SereneShadow**: Well, go on, start scourging!

**Kuwabara**: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! MY KEIKO IT BURNS! HOLY FREAKING KEIKO!

**Yukina**: I am freed! I shall go with you, Kuwabara.

**Kurama**: Kuwabara, you have company now.

**Kuwabara**: Sweet! I'm so happy!

**Kurama**: Here, Kuwabara. It's from me.

**SereneShadow**: Kurama handed Kuwabara a cloth.

**Kuwabara**: Awesome! What is it?

**Kurama**: It's for your sins.

**Yukina**: Will you wear it, Kuwabara?

**Kuwabara**: Hell yes! Where to now?

**Kurama**: Now we're going to see Discretion, Strength, and Beauty.

**SereneShadow**: So they met up with Sesshomaru, Yusuke, and Botan. Oh, and the Five Wits, Koenma, Hachi, Sango, Koga, and Shippo.

**Botan **(**Beauty**): What do you want us to do?

**Yukina**: Come with Kuwabara to die.

**Yusuke **(**Strength**): We'll help him if he needs us.

**Sesshomaru **(**Discretion**): We shall all go together.

**Kuwabara**: Thank you Keiko!

**Yusuke**: I'll fight with you, Kuwabara. As long as you're fighting on the ground.

**Koenma**, **Hachi, Sango, Koga, and Shippo (the Five Wits): **Well . . . we can't exactly . . .

**Botan**: I'm not going to die with you!

**Sesshomaru**: We shall only wish you good-bye.

**Kuwabara**: You guys suck! What the hell is wrong with you?

**Kurama**: Why don't you pray some more?

**Koenma, Hachi, Sango, Koga, and Shippo**: No damn way are we going to die.

**Kuwabara**: I guess I should just pray.

**Koenma, Hachi, Sango, Koga, and Shippo: **Yeah, you should probably get right on that.

**SereneShadow**: So Kuwabara went to the Priest. Then, he came back.

**Kuwabara**: Okay, I'm good! Let's go.

**Yusuke**: We're coming with you, man. Right up to the grave.

**Sesshomaru**: I will come as well.

**Kurama**: And so will I.

**SereneShadow**: So Kuwabara came to his grave.

**Kuwabara**: Keiko, I'm scared. I have to get in there.

**Botan**: In _there?_

**Kuwabara**: Yup.

**Botan**: And I'm just supposed to rot in there?

**Kuwabara**: Uh . . . yeah.

**Botan**: No thanks. See you later.

**Kuwabara**: What?

**Botan**: I can't hear you!

**SereneShadow**: So she left.

**Kuwabara**: Keiko, who can I trust?

**Yusuke**: Don't sweat it, man. But I gotta go too.

**Kuwabara**: _What the hell?_

**Yusuke**: Sorry dude. You're starting to annoy me, though.

**SereneShadow**: And he got the hell out of there.

**Kuwabara**: What an asshole.

**Sesshomaru**: Now I shall leave you.

**Kuwabara**: Why? Oh, Keiko, why?

**Sesshomaru**: I follow Strength, wherever he goes.

**Kuwabara**: Can you at least look in the grave? Make sure it's safe and all that?

**Sesshomaru**: Farewell.

**SereneShadow**: And he high-tailed it away.

**Kuwabara**: I'm alone now!

**Koenma, Hachi, Sango, Koga, and Shippo**: We have to go, too.

**Kuwabara**: I thought you guys were my best friends!

**Koenma, Hachi, Sango, Koga, and Shippo: **Sorry. Got to go.

**SereneShadow**: And they ran.

**Kuwabara**: Everyone's left me!

**Yukina**: I haven't yet, and I'll lie with you in the grave.

**Kuwabara**: Awesome! What about you, Kurama?

**Kurama**: I will stay with you until Hiei arrives. He and I have had some . . . issues, lately.

**SereneShadow**: By that, he means marital problems.

**Kurama**: . . .

**Kuwabara**: It's time for me to go.

**Yukina**: Everyone but me has abandoned you. Everything is worthless, except me.

**Kuwabara**: Please do not leave me.

**Yukina**: Don't worry, I won't leave.

**Kuwabara**: Keiko, please take me!

**SereneShadow**: And with that, he died.

**Kurama**: I think I hear angels singing.

**Rin **(**Angel**): I have come to take you to the afterlife.

**SereneShadow**: And they all went to the sky. Hey, here comes Miroku!

**Miroku **(**the Doctor**): Nothing stays with man at the edge of death but his good deeds. Amen.

**THE END.**

**CREDITS**

**STARRING:**

Kazuma Kuwabara as Everyman

SereneShadow as the Narrator

Jaken as the Messenger

Keiko Ukimora as God

Hiei as Death

Jin, Touya, and Chu as the Fellowship

Shizuru Kuwabara as Kindred

Genkai as Cousin

Kagome Higurashi as Goods

Yukina as Good Deeds

Shuichi Minamino/Yoko Kurama as Knowledge

Inuyasha as Confession

Botan as Beauty

Yusuke Urameshi as Strength

Sesshomaru as Discretion

Rin as the Angel

Miroku as the Doctor

The Five Wits:

Koenma as Sight

Hachi as Scent

Sango as Touch

Koga as Sound

and

Shippo as Taste

**WRITTEN BY:**

SereneShadow

based on Everyman: A Morality Play

_terminus_


End file.
